So, I haven’t been a Christian in a long, long time. It is a faith that I believe rather firmly is dying out. That being said, I do listen to a small selection of Christian music when I am down on myself. For some reason it gives me a sense of peace. Maybe it is how I personally connect with the Divine in myself, when it seems that connection has been irreparably severed. I am a very broken person. I am very distant from the bright eyed baby girl my grandfather used to take fishing. Today my grandparents told me that a photo I hand drew (from a photograph) of myself playing with Tonka Trucks, with my Grandpa, is now framed and is the centerpiece of their home in North Dakota. I don’t deserve this. I know that I am his favorite, he tells me so daily. I am so proud to be his little girl, because he was, for the majority of my life, my daddy.
I love you Papa. I know you raised a better woman than the broken one that is left after the wreckage so many have left her in. I will try to make something of myself that will make you proud Papa…
So, I spent the rest of yesterday evening with my partner and son, kind of just enjoying my life. Despite the serious Post-Partum Depression and the recurrent haunting from the demons of my past, I find myself in a place of bittersweet contentment. I may head into town on my own today – I may not. I am just kind of looking to see if there is anything there that I might actually want. More specifically – that is not in the Farmer’s Market. Saturday Market goods like lotions, jewelry, clothing and even henna tattoos are fun and all, but expensive. I have to budget better next month. I mean on the $400 I got this month I did pretty well.
3 packs of cigarettes
A Diaper Pail
A box of refills for said pail
A bottle warmer
A box of breast milk storage bags for once I get my milk flowing sufficiently
A Medela In-Style Electric Double Breast Pump
Plenty of little bits of personal spoiling
Ready-To-Eat Formula for the baby
Enough Diapers to last the rest of the month
and a beautiful purple rose for my partner
among a few minor things.
I have $36 in cash on my card and $30 on the table. And some in Food Stamps, So over all I have done well.
There are a few certain sad facts about me
- I have been raped by more men than I have consented to
- I have never actually finished anything that I have started – as far as gals are concerned
- I have a Semi-Psychotic disease that plays an active role in all of my long-term decisions, and most of my short-term decisions.
- I don’t really understand what a “healthy” relationship actually looks like because – for the most part – I have never had one until now
- All of my True friends would love to dispatch my paternal parental unit, but I would still embrace him if he decided to come to my graduation next year – despite deeply seeded scar tissue between the two of us
- I can’t tell most of my loved ones more than half of my life experiences.
- Most the time people just assume I am lying or that what I tell them is just my disease talking
- They are usually right about the disease part – while being wrong about it being a fallacy
- I have given up on telling those I trust the most, about the more horrible things that have happened
- Until recently I have spent 99% of my mature life (er age 13+) consistently suicidal
These are all true – and most of them I have kept to myself up until now.
There are also some pretty cool things about me
- I usually escape the crippling effects of my disease through writing, painting, and singing
- I have an understanding of myself that surpasses most women my age
- I am impressively good at being a mother – looking at all of the obstacles I face
- Most of my life I have survived through my own efforts
- Despite not knowing what a healthy relationship should look like, I am still capable of giving love
- I forgive just about anyone who seeks it
- I practice a Universal and Unconditional Love, for all people, without exceptions – and understand that I do not have to like them
- I am not a victim of my past, because I have successfully moved beyond it to find other, better way of living
- I will be a High School graduate next year
- I am starting to heal from the sexual scars of my past.
So, there are a lot of reasons to thank the Gods for my life being just the way it has been. I do not think I would be capable of the level of humanitarianism that I now show had I not suffered the way I have. Despite everything in my life being as hard as it has been, I can still see people – even horrible, evil people – and a part of me just cares for them – even if I choose to leave them be and not give them my time. I am not sane, I know this. That being said – I am not unlovable, or untouchable.
I haven’t blogged in a bit because I have been working pretty vigorously with a therapist and have simply been too mentally exhausted to spend much time blogging. I will soon be dedicating to a daily entry so I can share my life with everyone here.
An interesting event from my day. A couple with 4 very young children in their van was asking a vendor on my walk to the bus station about a feed that is no longer done on Fridays, the mother was nearly in tears, and as far as I could assume, or sense, the father only seemed like he wasn’t because he was attempting to Superman for his babies. I immediately wrote down to address of a nearby 7/11 and bought them all hot cheeseburgers and sodas with my food stamps. While they ate the woman behind the counter looked at me and said “That was nice, what you did and all, but that woman has food stamps” I told her that it didn’t matter to me if if she had a million dollars in her van. She asked for help, and I give that kind of love without asking. I explained that her food stamps might be low, they might e trying to hold on to the little bit that they have for an emergency. It could be any reason that they were trying not to use that money, and that it was not my place to question or judge – and that it was not her place to try to vilify them for taking the help, or to make me feel that I had given a gift the need not be given. She apologized and shut her mouth. I proceeded to take them to a nearby grocery store and spent $50 of my remaining stamps on more food for them to take home, at least that they had. Both the mother and the father were in tears at this point. I told them both that they are somebody’s baby, and that as a mother, I would not let them, or especially their young daughters to go hungry when i was capable of giving them what they needed. They left with 3 grocery bags full of quick meals, and a set of full stomachs – filled with WARM food. Something I DO know the value of – having been homeless before.
It was a pretty cool experience.
I am okay tonight.
Lovin’ you family