It seems that the longer my son is away from me… the more I find myself hating the world. The bright, loving person within me dies a little more. I find myself growing a little colder, a little more distant, a little less interested. I am a broken spirit. I will continue to strive toward some sort of healing, though I fear it will not come when my son is no longer in my home. I fear I will forever be at a dissonance with those I once loved, those I thought of as family. I fear that my heart will once again grow hard and the black wall of my anger and pain will begin to resurface, that I will let myself sink back into the shadows where I have always felt safe, where I once found security. I am tired of feeling alone and feeling like no one can be trusted. I just want my son returned to me.
So, it has been 1 month and 1 week since I last posted and I have much to write about. Not long after my last post, I went into what my Psychologist calls a pathological psychotic hallucination, i.e. I started to feel like my partner was never going to get off of his video games and that we were just co-existing for the sake of my son. Needless to say, something totally snapped and I ended up lying on a pretty massive scale and not realizing it until it was far too late. I told him that I had been diagnosed with leukemia as a child, and was told by my oncologist that I was relapsing. I hallucinated all of this as being true and even clearly remembered it happening. This is part of the advanced psychotic complex that has been co-diagnosed as part of my Borderline Personality Disorder. It happens when I start to feel the fear of abandonment, or neglect. I make no excuses for myself. It was wrong. Well, when I was caught in it, he lost his mind on me, screaming at me, he had his parents take my son so we could “talk” and he proceeded to verbally abuse and degrade me until I was in a psychotic breakdown, he then left all of his razors and blades in the house, and left me alone. I called for help, because I was desperate not to let myself go through with the very dark thoughts on my mind. The state has taken my son into Foster Care, soley because I asked for help. Because I was suicidal, and called for help… and now I may not get more than 4 hours a week with him for several months… my heart is broken. My son is away from me, I am pregnant again and I have no more partner. In my defense I had warned that little boy in advance that I was suffering from all of this, and that he had to make sure he didn’t neglect me. I TOLD HIM I WAS CRAZY. Well, I am back to mental emotional stability and I am done being angry. I do not want that stupid asshole back. I do not want him to ever contact me again. As far as I am concerned he can just stay in his empty home, where the child he once called his son used to laugh and smile at him, and he can see the place where the bassinet was, and feel the emptiness of the corner where the swing used to be, he can wake up in the middle of the night looking for my son, and remember we are not there. All of the damn near fatal pain he has caused me. I hope he BURNS!
So it has been about 2 weeks since my last entry and I have been busy at work raising my dear Son and trying my best to care for my loving Partner. I probably would not be as stable as I am today without his help. Over the last month I have received my TANF benefits and Food Stamps, and managed to get a Breast Pump, a Diaper Pail, a refill box for the pail, enough Formula to last the month and plenty of diapers. I also bought a couple of bottles last month. This month I am looking for a Playard and it sounds like my mom’s partner is going to foot the bill for a decent Crib/Changer combo, and a few other things.
As far as my disease? I make all of my necessary payments and purchases when my TANF drops on the first, so the impulse problem that is a big part of this disease is not able to kick my ass like it has before. I might be a vendor at a local festival this month, if I can make it happen like I need to. I just hope it all works out.
So, I haven’t been a Christian in a long, long time. It is a faith that I believe rather firmly is dying out. That being said, I do listen to a small selection of Christian music when I am down on myself. For some reason it gives me a sense of peace. Maybe it is how I personally connect with the Divine in myself, when it seems that connection has been irreparably severed. I am a very broken person. I am very distant from the bright eyed baby girl my grandfather used to take fishing. Today my grandparents told me that a photo I hand drew (from a photograph) of myself playing with Tonka Trucks, with my Grandpa, is now framed and is the centerpiece of their home in North Dakota. I don’t deserve this. I know that I am his favorite, he tells me so daily. I am so proud to be his little girl, because he was, for the majority of my life, my daddy.
I love you Papa. I know you raised a better woman than the broken one that is left after the wreckage so many have left her in. I will try to make something of myself that will make you proud Papa…
“Whether or not you can never become great at something, you can always become better at it.” – Neil deGrasse Tyson
So, I spent the rest of yesterday evening with my partner and son, kind of just enjoying my life. Despite the serious Post-Partum Depression and the recurrent haunting from the demons of my past, I find myself in a place of bittersweet contentment. I may head into town on my own today – I may not. I am just kind of looking to see if there is anything there that I might actually want. More specifically – that is not in the Farmer’s Market. Saturday Market goods like lotions, jewelry, clothing and even henna tattoos are fun and all, but expensive. I have to budget better next month. I mean on the $400 I got this month I did pretty well.
3 packs of cigarettes
A Diaper Pail
A box of refills for said pail
A bottle warmer
A box of breast milk storage bags for once I get my milk flowing sufficiently
A Medela In-Style Electric Double Breast Pump
Plenty of little bits of personal spoiling
Ready-To-Eat Formula for the baby
Enough Diapers to last the rest of the month
and a beautiful purple rose for my partner
among a few minor things.
I have $36 in cash on my card and $30 on the table. And some in Food Stamps, So over all I have done well.
“We do not write in order to be understood; we write in order to understand.” – C.Day Lewis